Festive Funnies

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Types

Our patio has lavender around two of its sides, and when in flower there are always bumble bees buzzing all around it. Once I counted over forty of them, of at least four different types, on one plant. One bright, sunny morning a few weeks ago, I was having a coffee on the patio when a wasp came buzzing around me, and instantly I went in search of my ‘Executor’ – a tennis racquet-type device with a button on the handle which electrifies the strings.

After dispatching the wasp with a crisp forehand topspin (sending him to ‘hiven’), I sipped my coffee and started wondering: why am I so intolerant of wasps? I like bees a lot, and if I find any lying on the lawn in a stupor—where I suspect they’ve had one too many sips of nectar and are a bit drunk—I move them out of the way before I cut the grass. Wasps aren’t that dissimilar to bees, so why is it that I really dislike them, and why do I treat the two insects so differently?

Putting on my Freudian-head, I reason that maybe it’s because I’d been stung by wasps a few times as a kid. However, I’d also seen my brother get stung by a bee, and his sting had been worse than any of the ones I’d had. So I don’t think my preference is due to anything that happened in my past.

I suppose another reason maybe that when I’m sitting in the patio, bees just glide past on their way to the lavender, whereas wasps seem to want to bug the fuck out of me, just for the fun of it. The rational part of me says this must be the reason why I’m less tolerant with them, but deep down I know I’m already reaching for the ‘Executor’ way before they start to annoy me.

Taking this theory to quadrupeds, there’s a similar comparison in my attitude to cats and dogs. Again, I’m guilty of a preference. I much prefer dogs, but I honestly don’t know why. I can look at the most perfect specimen of a cat and feel no affection for it at all, whereas even a flea-bitten mongrel covered in mange can make me want to cuddle him. I know cats are beautiful animals, and obviously I would never contemplate using the ‘executor’ on them, but they just don’t have the same effect on me as dogs do. Applying Freudian analysis to this case may be more appropriate: when I was growing up, we had dogs as pets but never any cats. However, as a child I was bitten by dogs and scratched by cats.

Actually, cats versus dogs is an interesting case for me. The above preference only applies for domestic animals. When it comes to wildlife, the trend is reversed. Wild dogs (wolves, dingoes, hyenas, jackals) all leave me cold (although I do quite like foxes). However, I love all big cats. Lions, leopards, panthers, cheetahs, jaguars – I love them all. My favourite animal is the tiger – I think they’re the most beautiful, graceful, powerful animals on Earth. I know pet cats are the same shape—just smaller. So, is it a just case of the size...? I don't think so. I honestly don’t understand why domestic cats don’t ‘float my boat’ – but they just don’t. 

Maybe it’s simply because I am constantly finding little piles of cat poo all over my lawn....

Good pussy....

Bad pussy...

Adorable dog...

WTF??
 Okay - not ALL dogs are cute

                                                                                 

The wasp/bee and cat/dog thing then got me thinking about my preferences in bipeds – or more accurately, women. It’s been pointed out more than once that most of the female characters in my stories are petite brunettes with brown eyes, and I am the first to admit that they’re the ones that I seem to prefer. Although it’s not necessarily just brunettes—I like black hair, too.

However, it’s not an exclusive thing—I’m not saying I don’t find blonde or red-headed women attractive. I do. And I also like eyes of all colours – blue and green are both striking. My wife’s eyes aren’t brown—they’re hazel (although she likes to think they’re green). But my 'favourite' eye-colour is probably dark brown. 

Incidentally, I think one of the reasons I prefer dogs over cats is because of the ‘expression’ in their big, brown eyes.

Three sexy blondes...

Sharon Stone

Debbie Harry

Marilyn Monroe

Three red-hot red-heads...

Julianne Moore

Gillian Anderson

Emma Stone

Three dark-haired beauties....

Audrey Hepburn

Halle Berry

Penelope cruz

So, in the same way that Rod Stewart likes blondes and Leroy Jethro Gibbs likes red-heads, I like petite dark-haired women. They’re my ‘type’. If I’m walking down the street or sitting in a bar - my eyes are drawn to any petite, dark-haired women within my line of sight. It’s not a conscious thing, it just happens.

Climbing into my Freudian-pants once more, I look back at my childhood. I’m the youngest of three children, with an older sister and brother. I can’t remember if any of my sister’s friends were petite dark-haired beauties, nor can I visualise any of my brother’s girlfriends that fit that description (and believe me, I’ve tried). So I don’t think I was influenced as a child.

Using the cat/dog reasoning doesn’t cast any light on my preference, either—I’d be happy to be bitten and scratched by blondes, red-heads AND brunettes.

So maybe there’s no explanation for why I prefer petite dark-haired women, but it means that the majority of my female characters will continue to be that way.

And obviously, they’ll all be wearing high-heels!

High Heels

If you’re actually reading this blog, there’s a good chance you’ve already seen a few pictures of high-heeled shoes as you navigated your way through my website. They’re there because I find them a nice thing to look at.

[In case this is your first visit and you don’t know anything about me, I’m a bloke. I write smut under a woman’s name, but I am the proud owner of a cock and balls. Obviously there’s always room for improvement, and if my cock and balls were bigger and heavier, I’d probably be even prouder. But I digress…]

So, I like women’s shoes. Or more accurately, I like women’s high-heeled shoes. I think they’re sexy.

But they’re only sexy on women. No offense to Dave, from the Money Supermarket ad – he looks brilliant, but I don’t find him sexy (but no doubt many women do – and possibly some men, too). So it’s not just the shoes that matter to me – it’s also the gender of the person wearing them.

I’m pretty sure I’m not alone in this fetish.

Actually (digressing again), I read something recently about using the correct terminology for such things, and I realise I’m no longer certain what constitutes a fetish, a kink, a perversion, or a dozen other terms I have no clue about.

For simplicity, I’ll call what I have for shoes a ‘thing’. But I’m not alone in this ‘thing’. I suspect nearly every other man on the planet is probably of the same opinion. A survey done by an academic in France showed that when a pretty model wearing a tight top and flat shoes tried to get pedestrians to stop and answer a survey, 40% of the men stopped. However, for the same model in the same tight top, but this time wearing high heels, 80% of the men stopped (although the article didn’t say how many of the men gave themselves a surreptitious tug while answering the survey). But twice as many men stopped, just because of the shoes. 

I know if I’m walking (or driving) down a road and I see a woman in heels, my eyes are always drawn to them. They could cause an accident (or a heart attack).

So, what is it that makes them sexy? I know they make the woman’s posture sexier - they force the back to arch, which pushes the boobs out at the front and the bum out at the back. They also cause some leg muscles to contract and give the calves a better shape. They make the legs look longer, too. 

One thing I read was that men know women in high heels can’t run away so quickly, but I’m really hoping that’s not why I like them. Having said that, a friend’s six-year-old son commented that there'd be no difficulty Keeping up with the Kardashians, as they can’t walk very fast in those shoes!

When I look at pictures of high-heeled shoes (which I only do to find more images for my website – I don’t do it to help me with anything else!) – I much prefer the pictures where the shoes are actually being worn. There are a lot of pictures that show the shoe from two angles—from the side and from the top—which I suppose is logical if you’re a woman looking to buy them. But although I can ‘like’ a shoe in that kind of picture, I don’t find it as appealing as the photos of shoes worn by models. For that reason, all the shoes on my website are filled with women’s feet (except the one filled with an Action Man in a gimp mask!)

But there has to be something more to it that just the way they make women look. I know (from asking) that women feel sexier wearing high heels than flat shoes. And I’ve read that women feel more confident and ‘empowered’ in them. But maybe that’s because they know that twice as many men would stop to answer a survey if they asked.

Do men consider women in high-heels to be more available, or likely to be more exciting in bed? Are we really that shallow?

My wife owns many pairs of shoes, and quite a few of them have high-heels. Every time she tells me she’s bought another pair, I get a little tingle in my tummy. She can see the disappointment on my face if it’s a pair of flat shoes for walking the kids to school. I know – I’m shallow. She often tells me that until I try walking round the playground in a pair of stilettos, I don’t get to choose what she wears.

But here’s a final thought… I saw this somewhere (it was on FB – I wasn’t doing some online-shopping). It’s called a ‘vagankle’ – and I’m sure you can guess what it's used for.

Now when I first saw this, I immediately wondered if they came in different sizes... 

Just kidding. 

What I really thought was that the marketing guys had missed a chance to make them look a lot more attractive. Surely if it was fitted with a nice ‘fuck-me’ shoe with a stiletto heel, they’d sell more…

Or perhaps the owners have to supply the shoe themselves, and also apply nail varnish. But either way, they’d look awkward hanging on your washing line after you'd washed it out!

Right – enough for my first blog post. 

I feel guilty because I’ve been reading some really well-informed and sensuous blogs recently, and my first effort is about how shallow I am for liking high-heels, and how to ‘pimp a sex-aid’. 

I promise to try and have 'deeper' subjects to discuss eventually...