Thursday, 24 December 2015

Festive Funnies





It seems like I’ve had so little time to spend on writing lately that I’ve neglected all sides of my Delores persona. I’ve had to delay the release of my paranormal horror story Midnight Mirror until January, and I’ve simply had no time to write a blog. I had all these plans of writing an end-of-year blog about my stories that were released during 2015, but I’m afraid the reality of having two small children in the run-up to Christmas meant that I never had the time (or energy) to sit, think and write.
It’s now Christmas Eve and we’re up in Scotland, staying with my in-laws for the festive period.
So I just wanted to wish you all (be you readers or just people who found the website by accident) a very Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year.
I promise to try and be more active with my blogging in 2016.
Since I couldn’t come up with a blog, I decided to write down any jokes that came to mind. Hope some of these make you smile…
  
* * * *

A recently widowed lady goes to the funeral parlour to view her dead husband. He’s been embalmed and dressed in his best grey suit. The undertaker and his assistant are standing by the open coffin.
She looks at her dead husband and frowns. “I never liked him in grey. It just wasn’t his colour. I much preferred him in blue.”
The undertaker pauses, then takes her to see another body in the adjoining room. The body in there is a man in a dark blue suit.
The undertaker turns to the widow. “Would you prefer me to dress your husband in this suit?”
“Oh, if it wouldn’t be too much trouble, that would be wonderful.” She looks very relieved. “I don’t mind paying extra for your time…”
“That won’t be necessary,” he assures her. “We’re here to do all we can to help during this difficult time.”
The widow thanks him and he escorts her to the door.
The assistant undertaker looks unhappy when his boss returns. “Changing suits on both bodies is going to be a real pain in the arse, you know.”
The undertaker shrugs. “No it’s not, just swap the heads.”

* * * *

Her: “Hello dear, how was your day at the office?”
Him: “Fine, thanks.”
Her: “Notice anything different?”
Him: “New dress?”
Her: “No.”
Him: “New haircut?”
Her: “No.”
Him: “New shoes?”
Her: “No.”
Him: “I give up.”
Her: “I’m wearing a gas mask.”

* * * *

Alcohol Free Lager:
It’s like licking your sister’s minge. It tastes the same, but it’s just not right!

* * * *

Disney lawyer sitting across from Mickey Mouse. “I’m sorry Mr Mouse,” he says. “But I don’t think you can claim grounds for divorce just because your wife has got big teeth.”
“I didn’t say she had big teeth,” Mickey says, patiently. “I said she was fucking Goofy!”

       * * * *
Her: Take your ring off, it’s hurting.
Him: That’s not my ring, that’s my wristwatch.

* * * *
A guy walks into his local pub and orders a pint.
The barman looks at him and says, “You’ve got a smile on your face tonight, John. Have you got something to tell me?”
The guys looks sheepish. “No.”
“Come on, John, your smile is from ear to ear. Something’s happened.”
The guy relents. “Okay. Last night I found a woman tied to the railway tracks.”
“Oh my God, that’s awful,” exclaims the barman.
“So I untied her and we both went back to my place.”
“Ah, so that’s why you’re smiling. She must have been grateful.”
John’s nodding. “It was the best night of my life. We had sex all night long: her on top, me on top. I even did her up the bum.”
The barman leans closer. “Tell me, did you get a blowjob?”
John takes a sip of his pint and shakes his head sadly. “No, I never found her head.”

* * * *

Merry Christmas.


Delores

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